She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
