Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
