I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
