I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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