i just had sex bonerless
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
