The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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