Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
