I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
