Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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