Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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