I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
