i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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