Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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