Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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