last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
