I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
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Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
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He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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