see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
