I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
