My room smells like vodka and shame
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
