I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
