God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
