was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
