Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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