there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
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we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
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If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.