She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.