I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.