I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
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he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
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Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..