Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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