Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
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Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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