We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
