Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
