mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
