i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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