I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
