My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
