youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
