she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm like, not good at living.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
