The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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