He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I love you. Go after that dick
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
