He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize