This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
