About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
