don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
