So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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