The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
