Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
