just survived the first fart of the relationship.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
