well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
