I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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