By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
