pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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