maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
