i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
