She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
