the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
