Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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