Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
