i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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