Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
